Best one-liners on the internet

courtesy: bitsandpieces

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Children in the back seat make accidents, but accidents in the back seat make children.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.\

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves

No one is listening until you fart.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so are you.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

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