Best one-liners on the internet

courtesy: bitsandpieces

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Children in the back seat make accidents, but accidents in the back seat make children.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.\

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves

No one is listening until you fart.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so are you.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

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Nice poetry

poonam ki raat me chand badal jata hai,
soch ke sath insaan badal jaata hai,
sochte hai ki tang na kare aapko,
magar kya kare sala soch ke sath plan badal jata hai!!!!

mere dardo ki tujhe aise saza mille
ki tujhe zor se potty aaye
or karne ki jaga na mille!!!

ser pe lahu, cherey pe rait,, arj kiya hai, ser pe lahu cherey pe ret,,sajana ne phool mara gamla samet,,

saas apni bahu se :- karamjali 8 saal baad baccha hua wo bhi ladki
bahu :- chup kar budhiya tere bete ke bharose rahti to ye bhi na hoti !

Dil ke armaan aansoo-on mein beh gaye….
Unn ke bacche hum ko maamoo keh gaye..

Itna khubsurat kaise muskura lete ho..
tna kaatil kaise sharma lete ho..
kitni aasani se JAAN le lete ho..
kisi ne sikhaya hai ya bachpan se hi kamine ho!!

Kabhi honsla bhi aazmaana chahiye
bure waqt mein muskurana chahiye
jab 10 dino mein khujli na mite
to 11 ve din nahana chahiye

Umeedo ki manzil toot gayi
aankho se ashqo ki dhara beh gayi
are tumahri bhi kya izaat reh gayi
jab class ki ladki bhaiya keh gayi

jawani ke din chamkile ho gaye
aur husn ke tewar nukile ho gaye
hum izhaar karne me thode dhiile ho gaye
aur unke haath peele ho gaye

Chaand ko garoor hai ki uske paas noor hai,
to kya hua….
Mujhe bhi garoor hai ki mera Dost Langoor hai!

Taj mahal dekh kar,
Bola Shahjahan ka ‘pota’
Taj mahal dekh kar,
Bola Shahjahan ka ‘pota’
“Apna bhi Bank Balance Hota,
Agar ‘dada’ AAshiq na hota.”

shayad woh aisi hogi
ya phir woh vaisi hogi
jane woh kaisi hogi
jada mat soch teri sapno ki rani
bilkul jassi jaisi hogi

gham woh cheez hai
gham woh cheez hai
gham woh cheez hai
jis se kaagaz chipkaye jaate hain

tej hava ka jhoka aaya-2
sath me teri khusbu laya-2
meri dil me khyal aaya,
aaj tu phir nahi nahaya.

Jis tarah LOHA, Lohe ko kaat ta hai;
Jis tarah JAHER, Jaher ko kaat ta hai;
Jis tarah HEERA, Heera ko kaat ta hai;
Theek ushi tarah mere dost, ek din tujhe bhi kutta katega.

bahut kuch lut chuka mera tujhse ishq farmane ke baad
bahut kuch lut chuka mera tujhse ishq farmane ke baad.
isliye mea apne kamre ki har ek cheej check kakta hun
tere aane se pahile,aur tere jane ke baad.

Aisa DOSTANA hamara,
Mai KASHTI tu kinara,
Mai DHANUSH tu teer,
Mai MATAR tu paneer,
Mai VARSHA tu badal,
Mai RAJMA tu chawal,
Mai HOT tu cool,
Mai APRIL tu….?

what if MNCs started selling condoms

The punch line for the companies would be :


PEPSODENT CONDOM — RAAT BHAR DHISHUM DHISHUM

COLGATE CONDOM — YEH HAI HAMARA SURAKSHA CHAKRA

NOKIA CONDOMS — CONNECTING PEOPLE

MRF CONDOMS — EXTRA RUBBER EXTRA MILEAGE

MOOV CONDOMS — AH SE AHAA TAK

MIRINDA CONDOM — ZOR KA JHATKA DHIRE SE LAGE

LUX CONDOMS — FILMI SITARON KI PASAND

PHILIPS CONDOM — LETS MAKE THINGS BETTER

ONIDA CONDOM — NEIGHBOURS ENVY OWNERS PRIDE

THUMPS UP CONDOM — TASTE THE THUNDER

COCA COLA CONDOM — EAT CONDOM,SLEEP CONDOM WEAR ONLY COCA COLA CONDOM

ROTOMAC CONDOM — SABKUCH DIKHTA HAI

AMUL CONDOM — A GIFT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE

BAGPIPER CONDOM — KHUB JAMEGA RANG JAB MILENGE TEEN YAAR MAI AAP AUR BAGPIPIER CONDOM

PANAMA CONDOM — NOTHING BETWEEN YOU AND ME

SEIMENS CONDOM — COMMUNICATION UNLIMITED.

CADBURY(FLAVOURED) CONDOM — ASLI SWAD JINDAGI KA

PRESTIGE COOKER CONDOM — JO BIWI SE KARE PYARE WOH CONDOM SE KAISE KARE INKAR

HUTCH CONDOM — STAY CONNECTED

LAYS CONDOM — NO ONE CAN WEAR JUST ONE

DETTOL CONDOM — KABHI HARD KABHI SOFT

POLO CONDOM — A CONDOM WITH A HOLE

PS: Did you observe the pink color of the name of the company?